Friday, April 23, 2010

Confrontation with Cows

Today I was at my local coffee shop with my two charges ( the kids I nanny for). For the sake of privacy, we’ll call them Cupid and Valentine. Cupid, a 3 year old little boy had ridden his bike into town while I pushed Valentine in her stroller. It was a beautiful day, sun shining, birds chirping and fat bitches waddling around ready to spoil a perfectly nice coffee run.

As we entered the parking lot of said local coffee shop, where I might add I am a regular ( as in I go there twice a day EVERY DAY so needless to say the staff likes me) Cupid, riding his bike had gotten a little ahead of me. I told him to stop and wait for me before entering the parking lot and he did. But as he tried to turn his bike around to wait for me, he misjudged the terrain and ended up edging a TINY bit past the mouth of the parking lot into the road. He was fine, there was no danger accept a a hideous mom mobile who happened to decide to pull into the parking lot at that moment. Cupid noticed, backed his bike up and the three of us proceeded into the cafe.

Moments later, the driver of the mom mobil was behind me in line while I ordered our snacks.

“ I was really scared for your child back there,” the piggy lady grunted. You weren’t taking very good care of them.”

Never one to take diss especially regarding my kids, I responded,

“ He was a few feet ahead of me and you were pulling in right as he was entering the parking lot. It was bad timing and I don’t appreciate you telling me I don’t take good care of my kids.” I was trying to be nice-I’m a sweetie like that.

The fat old bastard cow gave me a ‘oh so holier than thou” look and said,

“ Well, I raised six children and further more, young lady, if I knew your employer I would tell her to fire you.”

Young lady? No way did a old flabby crone just try and talk down to me in front of my kids no less.

Because Cupid and Valentine were with me, I held off the blizzard of fuck yous and fat bitches I had ready to hurl at you, but I did mange to squeeze in a good old,

“ Stop talking to me, you’re scaring my kids and you need to back up.”

When the Cracken Creature did not back up but continued to insult me, frightening my kids and generally making me want to cut her head off, I told her

“ Get away from me, get away from my kids and do not speak to me again.”

I then proceeded to burst into tears, horrifying Cupid and Valentine and no doubt scaring them for life and giving them coffee shop complexes.

The fat cow person left, looking freaked out and triumphant and I imagined the many ways I could mutilate her body. The pure hate, the unadulterated malice I felt for this women couldn’t be contained.

Lost in thoughts of revenge, it crossed my mind that in our society there are the few, the horrid, the ugly who think this kind of behavior is acceptable.

The dreaded and despised “ Opinionated Individual”. I’m not talking about politicians or organizations uniting over a cause, I’m talking about the jerk off who tells you your car is killing the world while you fill up at a gas station. The asshole who decides that their opinion is SO helpful, so imperative to the betterment of man kind that they can’t keep their fat traps shut.

I don’t want to hear how my hand bag is made of leather and how many otters or died for my sins. I don’t care. All I know is that it’s pink coral leather with gold detailing and multiple pockets. In other words, it’s hot shit I paid half off for.

Opinions are personal, just like STDS. Keep them to yourself, don’t force them on others and for fucks sake, don’t throw them at my kids.

-Nanners

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Nanner News:
The Truth, The Whole Truth & Nothing but the Nanners




Me Myself & I

If you don't want to read this feel free to give it a pass. It's just facts about me so you might retain a better understanding of how I think of the ideas I do. Or you might just find it self indulgent. I find it to be both
-I am as old as time but have the body of a 20 year old
-I am made purely of emotion, non fat yogurt & mental malfunctions
-I'm a nanny&child care worker: I love it. I hate it. I am it.
- I am sometimes considered mean or sarcastic, but I'm really not. I'm just really funny.
- I have a deaf dog whom I adore
- I am a very difficult lady to be with unless you listen very closely
-Lady GaGa is my Jesus, hero & drug of choice
- One day, I will reside in the sea among the other mermaids and glitter fish